orange

We are still at terror alert orange here in the Big Apple, and I for one am terrified. Sure the rest of the country may be at an "elevated" dancing banana yellow, but don't be fooled! That terrorism scale is not based on anything, so that means anything can still happen at anytime, anywhere. But really the scariest part of all this is that the terror alert level for everyone is deceptively low right now, for we are ignoring the tiniest of all terrorists, germs, who have made their way into our country by taking advantage of one of the holiest of institutions in our country: spring break.

Yes the H1N1 influenza, or swine flu, has launched an attack on our country (and therefore, the entire world) the likes of which we have never seen. The flu has claimed the lives of up to 168 Mexicans, exposing the futility of Mexico's world class health care system. Adding the number of deaths from the U.S., as well as the rest of the world, that 168 number skyrockets to 169.

Thankfully pig meat is still safe to eat, so we will not be deprived of Baconators, should anyone be so daring or foolhardy enough to travel outside the safety of their duct tape and plastic sealed homes into what will be certain feverish death. So as you finish disinfecting the last few inches of your body with Purell while trying to avoid any ignition sources, good luck as the World Health Organization slowly edges closer to phase 6 of the pandemic alert scale (which suggest you arm yourselves for the imminent zombie attacks).