I'm terrifically hooked now. There is no napping during lunch or my commute, which is unheard of in my little world. Pretty sure the dull throbbing behind my eyes is from both the deprivation and the tiny DS screen.
The hardest Psyche Lock to break is the one you have on yourself. Think I might be making some headway here.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
A Sunday Night
After a rather fun and productive evening, I decided that I'd head to bed early. Sunday night is the worst time of the week for me, worse than a Monday morning at work. Back when I lived with my parents, these nights were extremely lonesome. The world seemed quieter somehow, in a foreboding sort of way. And in those quiet moments all the things I've managed to run away from all week catch up with me. It's never a pretty sight when it does. Things have been better since moving out, but I find myself still bracing for an unexpected blow to the gut, a sudden kick to the ass.
Two hours after I'd fallen asleep I awoke. It was midnight and there was no familiar fog to my eyes. My stomach rumbled but ignoring it, I made my way to the living room, dodging obstructions easily - my eyes and senses had never felt so alert. I slid onto the couch, curling up bathed in the light from the streetlamp outside the window. The light felt cold, even as I tugged my socks up to my naked knees. It was a white, harsh light, not the deep orange that used to comfort that something panicking underneath my outer calm. All was hushed, all the world was in a slumber the night before the beginning of another week.
I shut my eyes, balled my fists, daring the night to do its worst. Seconds passed, then minutes. Surely I could not hold my breath for that long but I don't remember hearing it. When I opened my eyes again, the world had not changed, but the rumbling in my stomach traveled deep through my gut, boring a burning hole down right between my legs.
It would not do, so I ate. I stared at a wall and shoved what little I could find into my mouth until the gnawing ebbed. This time, there was no slap to the face. Eating out of relief was an offering to the Gods, a coward's habit. Lucky so far but who knows if my luck will hold out for next time? With that sobering thought I made my way back to the bedroom, nearly tripping over a slipper. Turning aside a corner of the comforter, I stepped back into bed and pressed my body against my boyfriend's. I pushed my face into the side of his neck, hissed that he was mine, that he was all mine, as if it would return me back to where he was, peaceful and oblivious. It never works. Sleep was a long time coming.
Two hours after I'd fallen asleep I awoke. It was midnight and there was no familiar fog to my eyes. My stomach rumbled but ignoring it, I made my way to the living room, dodging obstructions easily - my eyes and senses had never felt so alert. I slid onto the couch, curling up bathed in the light from the streetlamp outside the window. The light felt cold, even as I tugged my socks up to my naked knees. It was a white, harsh light, not the deep orange that used to comfort that something panicking underneath my outer calm. All was hushed, all the world was in a slumber the night before the beginning of another week.
I shut my eyes, balled my fists, daring the night to do its worst. Seconds passed, then minutes. Surely I could not hold my breath for that long but I don't remember hearing it. When I opened my eyes again, the world had not changed, but the rumbling in my stomach traveled deep through my gut, boring a burning hole down right between my legs.
It would not do, so I ate. I stared at a wall and shoved what little I could find into my mouth until the gnawing ebbed. This time, there was no slap to the face. Eating out of relief was an offering to the Gods, a coward's habit. Lucky so far but who knows if my luck will hold out for next time? With that sobering thought I made my way back to the bedroom, nearly tripping over a slipper. Turning aside a corner of the comforter, I stepped back into bed and pressed my body against my boyfriend's. I pushed my face into the side of his neck, hissed that he was mine, that he was all mine, as if it would return me back to where he was, peaceful and oblivious. It never works. Sleep was a long time coming.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Photographer.
I'm a photographer. I spend most of my days looking at pictures, then figuring out how the pictures were made. I read countless articles about photography, look at countless portfolios, developing a taste that I feel far exceeds my skills. I have a fairly firm grasp of the basics, I'm technically sound, and while I may or may not have a "good eye" as some people have stated, I feel I am creatively lacking. In short, I feel stuck. As Zack Arias described so well "I'm driving 100mph towards a dead end." I run a photoblog but while people may like my work, I find it lacking. Something is missing... maybe I'm just too critical... but I guess it's just normal.... I just need direction.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Lunchtime is Lame with No Computer
So it's lunchtime and since my workplace is, in a single crude word, BULLSHIT, I am on my phone surfing with frustration because as good as this little gadget is for texting, it has this knack for making me feel like a total cripple when it comes to using a tiny browser.
There have been a few times where I found myself with an itch to contribute here, but again and again I find myself unwilling to share any of my deepest fears and illogical pellets of frustration. There are many things that go well during my days and yet alongside the brightness is an enormous cloud. It grows more and more opaque as time moves on and, well, it feels as though I am growing more and more blind.
That's all I'm willing to give up at the moment and if I am lucky, my phone will somehow refuse to post this.
There have been a few times where I found myself with an itch to contribute here, but again and again I find myself unwilling to share any of my deepest fears and illogical pellets of frustration. There are many things that go well during my days and yet alongside the brightness is an enormous cloud. It grows more and more opaque as time moves on and, well, it feels as though I am growing more and more blind.
That's all I'm willing to give up at the moment and if I am lucky, my phone will somehow refuse to post this.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
From the little notebook
I've taken to writing down my thoughts or muses in this little notebook I carry around with me. It's not much, and in fact only two pages are written in. Two pages written, and about 6 pages ripped out because I can't ever seem to shake the analness that I have with my handwriting.
Well, for starters--I think the reason why no one writes on this blog (or rather, why I don't write on this blog) is because I am not notified when someone else writes on this blog; perhaps thinking no one else is writing on it, led me to not want to write on it.
I wonder if there's a way to keep posted about this blog--or I guess... subscribe to the FEED or whatever it's called?
So--random note #1 from the little notebook:
Telekinesis; would be nice. I always yearn for this extra power I know I'll never have. And I always fantasize that it is during a moment of trial; in panic--that I would then discover or reveal my gift.
Stupid.
I should just stick to wanting things like, a new messenger bag to replace the bootleg $7 JSPORT one I have. Or wanting a new wool skirt that I can wear in the winter.
Random note #2 from the little notebook:
Sometimes, I wonder if my brain has problems. Like, maybe I'm insane--but just not diagnosed. The other day, I got into this "meh" mood. And whenever I get into this "meh" mood, I take the good things in life, and imagine them in the worst case scenario.... as if I'm preparing myself for the worst. Maybe it's also the same as the anal part of me that rip out pages from this notebook--how I want to never be caught off guard with myself. I imagine the worst so that I would have formulated a perfected and practiced response for if it were to ever occur. I end up "meh'ing" myself some more.
So, coming back full circle, I wonder--what brings about these "meh" moods anyway?
Random note #3 from the little notebook:
I'm too shy to be mushy with my sister. I'll cry in front of her when a boy breaks my heart, but I can't tell her to her face that she's one of my best friends and my closest confidante.
What a wuss.
Random note #4 from the little notebook:
Remember to bring the girly smelling lotion into work to harass Stephen and Eric with.
Well, for starters--I think the reason why no one writes on this blog (or rather, why I don't write on this blog) is because I am not notified when someone else writes on this blog; perhaps thinking no one else is writing on it, led me to not want to write on it.
I wonder if there's a way to keep posted about this blog--or I guess... subscribe to the FEED or whatever it's called?
So--random note #1 from the little notebook:
Telekinesis; would be nice. I always yearn for this extra power I know I'll never have. And I always fantasize that it is during a moment of trial; in panic--that I would then discover or reveal my gift.
Stupid.
I should just stick to wanting things like, a new messenger bag to replace the bootleg $7 JSPORT one I have. Or wanting a new wool skirt that I can wear in the winter.
Random note #2 from the little notebook:
Sometimes, I wonder if my brain has problems. Like, maybe I'm insane--but just not diagnosed. The other day, I got into this "meh" mood. And whenever I get into this "meh" mood, I take the good things in life, and imagine them in the worst case scenario.... as if I'm preparing myself for the worst. Maybe it's also the same as the anal part of me that rip out pages from this notebook--how I want to never be caught off guard with myself. I imagine the worst so that I would have formulated a perfected and practiced response for if it were to ever occur. I end up "meh'ing" myself some more.
So, coming back full circle, I wonder--what brings about these "meh" moods anyway?
Random note #3 from the little notebook:
I'm too shy to be mushy with my sister. I'll cry in front of her when a boy breaks my heart, but I can't tell her to her face that she's one of my best friends and my closest confidante.
What a wuss.
Random note #4 from the little notebook:
Remember to bring the girly smelling lotion into work to harass Stephen and Eric with.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Fun and Games
The other day, I was horrified to discover how many games I have going on in my life. The horror is only fully realized when you consider that, way in the past, I only dabbled in one or two games at most at any one time, and only when others prodded me to join in. As a kid of course there was the Nintendo console with our limited repetoire of games. I had an old school Gameboy on which I only really enjoyed Tetris, because it appealed to the puzzle-solver side of me. In my teen years the console games tapered off, but then we got a computer. It started first with Starcraft (with which I had to take turns with my brother, as we had only one working computer at the time), then Counterstrike (with which I had to bully on to my ex-boyfriend's computer to play at all). During that time period Tetrinet and Worms were sprinkled throughout.
Then my current boyfriend, who spent a whole lot of times that I visited him playing FFXI, and after that, WoW, asked me to try giving WoW a shot. I complied because, you know, if you can't beat 'em, you join 'em. I discovered that I hate people and their bullshit in general, but that, unfortunately, I did enjoy having to work together with others to achieve things. Even then, there's a whole lot of thinking involved, and sometimes I go to bed with a slight headache.
My brother got me a copy of TF2 recently, and that was the perfect game to add to all the thinking/puzzle games I spend my idle time indulging in. If I wanted to I can think in that game, but it's so much more fun to hop on a Soldier or Demoman and start blowing shit up. Especially if it's one of the push-the-cart maps. The mindless mayhem clears my head the way the other games I enjoy don't. It's so good I can play perfectly alone, on a random server where I don't know anybody, and I walk away grinning.
Anyways here's a list of games I'm currently playing:
PC
World of Warcraft
Team Fortress 2
Freestyle Basketball
Guitar Hero 3
Warhammer 2 (Coming Soon!)
DS
Picross
Touch Detective
Cooking Mama
Under the Knife
PSP
Patapon
XBox
Rock Band
And, well, uh. If people ask me for a few rounds of Tetrinet, you can bet that I'll join, as I always did when I was free.
Staring at this list, even though I know I don't play all of these every day, or even every single week, it's still no wonder I don't have a new job yet. ); And goddammit, where is the time in the day to go out and play some handball?
Then my current boyfriend, who spent a whole lot of times that I visited him playing FFXI, and after that, WoW, asked me to try giving WoW a shot. I complied because, you know, if you can't beat 'em, you join 'em. I discovered that I hate people and their bullshit in general, but that, unfortunately, I did enjoy having to work together with others to achieve things. Even then, there's a whole lot of thinking involved, and sometimes I go to bed with a slight headache.
My brother got me a copy of TF2 recently, and that was the perfect game to add to all the thinking/puzzle games I spend my idle time indulging in. If I wanted to I can think in that game, but it's so much more fun to hop on a Soldier or Demoman and start blowing shit up. Especially if it's one of the push-the-cart maps. The mindless mayhem clears my head the way the other games I enjoy don't. It's so good I can play perfectly alone, on a random server where I don't know anybody, and I walk away grinning.
Anyways here's a list of games I'm currently playing:
PC
World of Warcraft
Team Fortress 2
Freestyle Basketball
Guitar Hero 3
Warhammer 2 (Coming Soon!)
DS
Picross
Touch Detective
Cooking Mama
Under the Knife
PSP
Patapon
XBox
Rock Band
And, well, uh. If people ask me for a few rounds of Tetrinet, you can bet that I'll join, as I always did when I was free.
Staring at this list, even though I know I don't play all of these every day, or even every single week, it's still no wonder I don't have a new job yet. ); And goddammit, where is the time in the day to go out and play some handball?
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