xmas

I spent most of my Christmas working on reinstalling the operating system on my computer. In doing so I found that my network attached hard drive, which I had not tried accessing for a good while, had died. Gone are the many gigs of videos I had sitting there for easy access, as well as a convenient place to back up my music. Fifteen gigs of music which I forgot to back up while sifting through the files that I wanted to make sure I did not lose.

Meanwhile my family gatherings for the holidays has shrunk down to just my family and my sister's husband instead of the traditional hooplah of years past at my grandma's house. I did not exactly miss the insanity of a cold house containing people I mostly could not understand, however this new format isn't especially appealing. All because of some good old fashion family bickering.

And as I stare at the clock slowly counting up the seconds, minutes and hours, I can only think of the last conversation I had with a friend of mine that went sour just a little while ago. With instant messages being less instant than speaking with someone directly, you have more time to pick and choose your words carefully. I thought I did, but it seems like the only thing I accomplished was to get someone to start thinking twice about mentioning anything to me again. I'm hoping I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill because of all the other things weighing on my mind (which are actually unrelated to anything I've mentioned thus far).

As I look over what I've just written, I have to wonder why I'm choosing to push this onto a public place where friends and strangers see it. It may elicit a response from people I know, and the last thing I want to do is explain anything despite the fact that I wrote so many things that can be expanded upon.

So its 4AM the day after Christmas. My computer is running nice and error free again, and the glut of holiday music will finally be coming to an end. I'll take that as a victory.

Lunchtime is Lame with No Computer

So it's lunchtime and since my workplace is, in a single crude word, BULLSHIT, I am on my phone surfing with frustration because as good as this little gadget is for texting, it has this knack for making me feel like a total cripple when it comes to using a tiny browser.

There have been a few times where I found myself with an itch to contribute here, but again and again I find myself unwilling to share any of my deepest fears and illogical pellets of frustration. There are many things that go well during my days and yet alongside the brightness is an enormous cloud. It grows more and more opaque as time moves on and, well, it feels as though I am growing more and more blind.

That's all I'm willing to give up at the moment and if I am lucky, my phone will somehow refuse to post this.

From the little notebook

I've taken to writing down my thoughts or muses in this little notebook I carry around with me. It's not much, and in fact only two pages are written in. Two pages written, and about 6 pages ripped out because I can't ever seem to shake the analness that I have with my handwriting.

Well, for starters--I think the reason why no one writes on this blog (or rather, why I don't write on this blog) is because I am not notified when someone else writes on this blog; perhaps thinking no one else is writing on it, led me to not want to write on it.

I wonder if there's a way to keep posted about this blog--or I guess... subscribe to the FEED or whatever it's called?

So--random note #1 from the little notebook:
Telekinesis; would be nice. I always yearn for this extra power I know I'll never have. And I always fantasize that it is during a moment of trial; in panic--that I would then discover or reveal my gift.

Stupid.

I should just stick to wanting things like, a new messenger bag to replace the bootleg $7 JSPORT one I have. Or wanting a new wool skirt that I can wear in the winter.

Random note #2 from the little notebook:
Sometimes, I wonder if my brain has problems. Like, maybe I'm insane--but just not diagnosed. The other day, I got into this "meh" mood. And whenever I get into this "meh" mood, I take the good things in life, and imagine them in the worst case scenario.... as if I'm preparing myself for the worst. Maybe it's also the same as the anal part of me that rip out pages from this notebook--how I want to never be caught off guard with myself. I imagine the worst so that I would have formulated a perfected and practiced response for if it were to ever occur. I end up "meh'ing" myself some more.

So, coming back full circle, I wonder--what brings about these "meh" moods anyway?

Random note #3 from the little notebook:
I'm too shy to be mushy with my sister. I'll cry in front of her when a boy breaks my heart, but I can't tell her to her face that she's one of my best friends and my closest confidante.

What a wuss.

Random note #4 from the little notebook:
Remember to bring the girly smelling lotion into work to harass Stephen and Eric with.

random

so how's everyone doing? doing good?
so i'm bored now and have nothing to do so i decided to post here. to hell with capitalization and all that crap, i'm just gonna write.

no one's here anymore. what a fine experiment this turned out to be. perhaps people should comment more or respond or something. writing here is pretty pointless. no one says anything. that makes me a sad panda.

Quick googling of "sad panda" results in this definition from urbandictionary.com

"An unhappy, disappointed person. The phrase can be traced back to an episode of the cartoon South Park, in which the "Sexual Harassment Panda" teaches the children what is and isn't sexual harassment. "

i just realized that i capitalized the word quick before. how silly of me

Is this how we envisioned ourselves to be five years ago?

Fun and Games

The other day, I was horrified to discover how many games I have going on in my life. The horror is only fully realized when you consider that, way in the past, I only dabbled in one or two games at most at any one time, and only when others prodded me to join in. As a kid of course there was the Nintendo console with our limited repetoire of games. I had an old school Gameboy on which I only really enjoyed Tetris, because it appealed to the puzzle-solver side of me. In my teen years the console games tapered off, but then we got a computer. It started first with Starcraft (with which I had to take turns with my brother, as we had only one working computer at the time), then Counterstrike (with which I had to bully on to my ex-boyfriend's computer to play at all). During that time period Tetrinet and Worms were sprinkled throughout.

Then my current boyfriend, who spent a whole lot of times that I visited him playing FFXI, and after that, WoW, asked me to try giving WoW a shot. I complied because, you know, if you can't beat 'em, you join 'em. I discovered that I hate people and their bullshit in general, but that, unfortunately, I did enjoy having to work together with others to achieve things. Even then, there's a whole lot of thinking involved, and sometimes I go to bed with a slight headache.

My brother got me a copy of TF2 recently, and that was the perfect game to add to all the thinking/puzzle games I spend my idle time indulging in. If I wanted to I can think in that game, but it's so much more fun to hop on a Soldier or Demoman and start blowing shit up. Especially if it's one of the push-the-cart maps. The mindless mayhem clears my head the way the other games I enjoy don't. It's so good I can play perfectly alone, on a random server where I don't know anybody, and I walk away grinning.

Anyways here's a list of games I'm currently playing:

PC
World of Warcraft
Team Fortress 2
Freestyle Basketball
Guitar Hero 3
Warhammer 2 (Coming Soon!)

DS
Picross
Touch Detective
Cooking Mama
Under the Knife

PSP
Patapon

XBox
Rock Band

And, well, uh. If people ask me for a few rounds of Tetrinet, you can bet that I'll join, as I always did when I was free.

Staring at this list, even though I know I don't play all of these every day, or even every single week, it's still no wonder I don't have a new job yet. ); And goddammit, where is the time in the day to go out and play some handball?

Sometimes a pen, sometimes a pencil.

I decided to also create a doodle blog--because sometimes you feel like writing, and sometimes you just wanna doodle.

Share your creativity if you have any--and if you don't, share it anyway! =D

http://hongdaodoodle.blogspot.com

Testing...

7/16/2008 - 6m, 1w, 4d

A new challenger arrives

I'm on another blog.

Of course this time, I was the one who was pushing for a blog to be started, rather than the target of someone else's enthusiasm. I suppose I can only blame myself for ending up in the position of having to expose my thoughts to the general public, and more dangerously, to the people I know. Are the posts on this website supposed to contain information that is benign, restricting friends and strangers to thoughts that I would be perfectly comfortable telling enemies? Or am I supposed to be posting to invite people into my inner psyche, show more dimensions of my character, and provide depth to the ones who know me but have never seen more than the cardboard cutout I allow to stand in for my actual self?

If I ever post again maybe I'll figure it out.

Surely I'm Not Too Old For This

So I noticed that there were two options to post - one to leave as a comment, and one to make a new post. I understand the concept Suse's associate(s) mentioned about having a sort of collaborative train-of-thought blog where you share one blog with others, but as I'm not getting any younger, I feel totally lost as to the etiquette of posting and commenting. Do you use the comment function only when you want to reply to a particular post? What if your reply actually grows into something longer and more involved, is it still a comment or does it merit an entirely new post? Are new posts meant for entirely new ideas and trains of thought?

Now my head is sort of spinning and I'm nowhere near as sick as Suse. );

I will take this opportunity to relate a part of my morning, however. If only because the incident prompted a recurring thought I've been having for a couple of years now. I was getting ready to get off the train, and I was the only one standing by the double doors as the train pulled into the station. As usual, a crowd of people wanting to get on the train assembled outside the door as the train stopped. You would think that since I was one person, the crowd would let me off real quick so that they can all get in. But one guy in a dress shirt, a guy one wouldn't call skinny, but perhaps call short, had to barrel past me on my right side, brushing rather roughly on my left side, and as a reflex (these days I cannot stand being touched by strangers in any way) I shoved my elbow into him as I quickly stepped off the train. As I walked away I realized I didn't feel any better after shoving the miserable man. And immediately I began dreaming/wondering as I often do these days about whether there was a place, a neighborhood on this stupid planet where people weren't such rude sons of bitches that I'd be tempted to be a terrible person back to them. When I express outrage at people's behavior I often hear that it is human nature, and yet somehow that does not comfort me in the least. I'm not saying everyone needs to smile at everyone else or anything like that, just get out of their own heads enough to think of little things like, hey only one person needs to get off the train through this door, let the person go before rushing on the train to find a seat. Just little things like that. But I guess it just doesn't happen. I understand that a few bad apples makes it feel as though the ones doing good get screwed. That miserable man most definitely got a seat while the others in the crowd who were going to allow me to rush past lost a chance at that same seat.

And I thought there was seriously something wrong with that. It might be partly why I don't believe in a mighty God that smites the wicked and blesses the good. When I'm sick as a puppy though, I want to believe if only because I can beg for some bit of mercy. "Okay, if only this terrible nausea will go away, I promise I'll live a good, God-fearing life."

I'll settle for finding a city or town where the people aren't such assholes.

Here we go again.

There were many times, I start feeling the motivation to write... stuff. Be it a thoughtful journal entry, attempts at a short story, maybe even a novel in infancy stage. It would start off the same. Some new blog tool online somewhere, or a pretty new notebook from Staples. The first post or entry would be something similar to this post; depicting how I've tried time and time again to write something down, to record my thoughts and events in my life, and how I will succeed this time in making it a habitual thing. Lo and behold it becomes another good idea brushed aside, collecting dust underneath my bed, or another website I don't visit.

Well, my associate at work suggests that I try again, and this time include friends, and co-authors to help me develop this... "train of thought". So, well, here goes.

Um. Well, here goes... nothing. I haven't a thought in my head at all. I'm sitting here, eating a microwaved lunch from one of those boxed meals. The box is labeled "Lemon Chicken with Rice," and I suppose this was chicken I just ingested, and I'm sure this is rice, but I don't taste the lemon anywhere. I'm sick, and I'm not even quite sure with what. Either I have a cold, and conjunctivitis just decided to bite me in the ass for shits and giggles, or I have conjunctivitis, and cold-like symptoms just decided to appear to spite me. Anyhow, I am sitting here feeling kind of icky and miserable with no one to whine to, so like any good emo person, I will write about it on my blog online. Sometimes, I scare myself with thoughts like, "is this punishment for an evil thought I had?" or "Oh no, maybe there is a god and he's making a point." (Btw, religious people please don't hate me. I'm not being judgmental!) Then in all my delirium of all the medication I take, I begin to wonder if karma exists, and then try to justify in my head why I should expect good things to happen to me soon.

Because you know, I'm such a wonderful person and all.

Of couse this contradicts my "YOSH! I control my own destiny!" ideal and well, then I just fall asleep because thinking too hard is just not a good thing to do. Especially when your brain is feeling like a 10 ton brick crushing itself and your eyes feel like they're about to implode into the pool of mucus that sits in the back of your throat. Yes, that's right, I managed to do some emo-whining in the midst of a clever rant-on sentence while grossing everyone out.

Ice cream will definitely help right now.